You may have read the stories in the National HOG Magazine or in Heavy Duty Magazine of the success of the Rally. But here we present the entire unadulterated transcript with all the bits not printed.
Tales from the Dukside:
NT Full Throttle Rally 2017. The Exhaust.
Wow, what a Rally. The HOG Party faithful came from all over Australia to partake in the rarest of Rallies, that is any rally in the NT. With the last rally in Alice being 7 years before and Darwin in 2012 nobody wanted to miss out for this one. The committee originally chose the Desert Palms Resort for it’s 80 cabin capacity. Our 2010 Rally was a huge success due to it’s location at Heavitree Gap Resort. It had Motel, Caravan Park and Camping with a Tavern to Boot. Unfortunately it’s closure to make way for housing meant a hard look for an alternative.
The chosen resort was booked out within 2 weeks of announcement to our astonishment. The next Rally Meeting went along the lines of “Faaark, what are we gonna do now”. Nope the venue was still the best shot at a successful event. The Double Tree Hotel next door could house unlimited numbers but they can only cater for 500 at dinners. Thus the limit was set. And still the numbers climbed. By 1 month out we had our quota, with only 44 members in the Alice Chapter it was going to be interesting as is. But then more requests for entry came every week. Dobbie (Alice Director) having to give the bad news each time. Even with some 25 cancellations there were not enough tickets to go around. The committee relented in the last week and $50 weekend passes were sold at registration only for those who rode up regardless. This gave entry to the rides and outside events but not Dinners, Games and Show & Shine.
The party started at Bojangles and a few other venues with individually organised Meet & Greets on Thursday Night. Many a sore head in the morning shone a light on the weekend to come YeeeHaaa! Registration opened at 2pm Friday April 29 at the Alice Springs Golf Club. All available returned tickets were sold first in best dressed (within the first hour) as the hungry hoards fraught with anticipation fought for a place. By 5pm all 500 registered and about another 70 day passes were distributed. Dobbie made the announcement that since this event was held on our usual Tr-Chapter Challenge weekend had robbed Alice Chapter of a long ride, all Qld, Nsw and Tassie Chapters were commandeered to Mt Isa Chapter and Vic, SA and WA in Darwin Chapter for the purpose of forming Tri Chapters. This made it easier on us simple bush mob hillbillies to run such a large event. (More on this later).
The Directors of each Chapter disappeared to the Todd Tavern for a meeting, being that only 3 Chapters did not present this was an outrageously unexpected hit on our rally.
Saturday’s starter was the Thunder Run, too many bikes to count you’d think there was a million dollar prize drawer. Estimates put the swarm at 570 but in reality nobody gave a shit coz it was just awesome. The 9am ride gathered on Barrett Drive in front of the Double Tree but was slightly inconvenienced by the local constabulary requesting the ride be broken up into 100 or so bikes with a 5minute gap. We complied (after all we are the law abiding 99%ers). Naturally by the time the Police led out the first group the rest just followed on regardless and by the time the train of chrome reached Heavitree Gap all gaps were closed and once again Rolling Thunder rumbled along the Todd River crevasse.
Big Kevs directions were a bit off but consider the first left is actually a right things went well. Right onto Ilparpa Road through the rural estates which ended with some nice twists to wind through Honeymoon Gap. Our own McGuyver was there with a Drone to film the entire entourage as it snaked its way through alongside the magical red & black rocks of the 2nd gap just a foot off the right side of the road and the sands of Roe Creek to our left.
Nobody would deny that the next stage made the Run up there with the best of the best. Into Simpsons Gap Reserve where just after the Info Hut the extensive carpark made for an excellent place to u-turn so bikes would double back on each other. Hands waving, smiles and iPhones in the morning air – spectacular!
Left again now on Larapinta Drive and back into Alice following the mighty MacDonald Ranges. Tourists at John Flynn’s` Grave were treated to the magnificence of a thousand cylinders. Without much in the way of signage only the odd few bikes missed the right turn down Todd St into the Mall. Townsfolk and tourists alike parted the way through (or was it our Mozes parting things is his specialty?). It is amazing to see the joy all the bling and chrome brings to peoples faces.
Back at the Double Tree by Hilton bikes parked for the Show & Shine. The Mobile Barista we’d organised got a rousing response and some partook in the organised massages donated by The Health Collective. Our arranged judge could not break away from what he was doing in time to judge the Shiny metal so our Director judged that the better judges, Gaz Luxmoore (HOG Aus’s Big Boss Hog) and Brian Neilson (Regional Director) would pass judgement.
Thus the results were announced on Sunday Night:-
Best V-Rod – George Kyreakou, Alice Springs
Best Dyna – Kerry Noll, Alice Springs
Best Softail – Garry Mattson, Yarra Valley
Best Sportster – Chris-Anne Walsh, Alice Springs
Best in Show & Best Touring – Danny Gram, Perth
Oldest Bike Ridden to Alice – Some bike called Allen (didn’t catch his last name and paperwork was lost on the stage on the night so we are left with a drunk farts memory coz no-one else could remember).
Let the games begin, well at 2pm Saturday anyhow, we took full advantage of a nice sunny afternoon on the Driving Range of the Golf Club to run the frivolities of the afternoon. Golf Carts set up a bar for refreshments and inebriation as the Roo Tail Toss commenced. Real live dead ones, fur on and lopped at Skippy’s tailbone. Perfect for the City Slickers to get their hands smelly as the meat thawed and tenderised with every bounce on the grass. The He-men amongst this band of big bad bikers were somewhat reluctant so our the Amazonian Athletes stepped up to the mark. Almost all the ladies wanted to get that long thick and tapered piece of meat in their hands. It’s not every day you can handle a furry one but to give it a long toss and watch it bounce gave them great pleasure, I don’t know why?
Anyway after a number skidded along the ground and a few went up and backward into the crowd of spectators a real javelin was tossed by Anne Murray from Perth. Now we could have guessed that a WA woman could perform such a feat since Alice member Jake was tossed off his bike on the Margaret River Rally Thunder Run by a large Grey Roo down there way. Any-who an 18 meter toss is a great effort. There were a number of contenders to try and better the score but none had the arm for it.
The blokes were now fully pumped to toss their own tail shafts. One by one they tossed off eventually beating the ladies effort and making some distance. Stamina counts for many who threw several attempts but Gazza from Yarra Valley walked up for one warm up followed by a huge toss of some 34 meters. Now we all know he looks like the quintessential bikie so I’m not about to call him out on practicing tossing himself at home. But!!! Now another contestant tosses a beauty, almost straight up and to the left rear, straight into the only tree in the acreage. Loss, 1x roo tail. Points off -15. Next another great toss as Alice Chapter’s Will Young relentlessly toss one for himself. Eventually someone hurls a 35 meter bounder but not to be outdone, cool as a stubby on ice Gazza steps up for another go, 1st attempt falls short. As does 2nd and 3rd. Lines up for number 4 and it soars like an eagle then drops like a lead fart. 39 meters and the contenders dropped away quick smart and in a hurry there after. An all Australian Biggest Tosser is born. The staple Slow Race highlighted that Tony Maloney of Mt Isa is the slowest bastard in Australia (well on a Harley anyway). And Jason & Tanya Street are the best at poking a stick into a hole at speed having won the Plunger in the Dunny Roll game.
Saturday night shone the light on the best of Territory Cuisine, a full dining experience with round tables draped in white table cloth and chairs to match. The buffet under the stars made for an awesome night of fun and laughter. A reasonably short speech from Gaz Luxmoore and local band “Late Scratching” pumped Rock n Roll to warm the cool autumn air.
Up with the cock it’s 6 o’clock but no takers. Local guided rides started from 8am to Glen Helen, 8:30 to the Ellery Big Hole lookout and 9am for Standley Chasm. First ride was delayed by a regional director who forgot his vest but all made it away by 9. I can’t write about the Glen Helen ride but it is a must do for any visitor to the Alice and more so now the road is sealed through Tyler’s Pass and Gosses Bluff to Hermannsburg back to Alice.
Big Kev, our Head Road Captain led out to the Chasm, a sheer break in the mountains approximately 3 meters wide. We distributed vouchers for Coffee, Tea and Bikkies plus free entry to the Chasm walk for all who attended including those on the Big Hole ride who turned up half an hour later. A free for all ride back to Alice allowed attendees to do their own thing until 2pm and give some lunchtime trade to local cafes to boot.
And then the Sucker Punch to make this rally stand out as the Party to End all Parties. The Chapters were asked to meet on the lawns of the Alice Springs Town Council where a cherry picker awaited to take Doc Robinson of Heavy Duty Magazine up for a group photo. “Gather in, move across, look up, smile, no not your rear smile, say fanny farts – CLICK!”. Done, now for shortest and by far the best buzz of your life. Ride through Bojangles Saloon. All of 285 or so (who’s counting) minus a few who went through twice. Whatever floats your fun-valve it’s ok in Alice. Bo’s is an Alice Icon and we were very fortunate that local Lebo identity Tony Habib (no not from the Habib on Fat Pizza) bought the pub after almost a year closed. It is the only known pub in Australia to allow Motorcycles to ride through the public bar, and the preference is the loud and might HD Twin. The face on a Hoggie, priceless.
6pm kicked off with our M-C Dobbie doing his best as an amateur Auctioneer. On offer were a XXXX Gold 60ltr Esky, a Helmet and Knife, an Opal Watch followed by some rally banners and the prize of Fenders and Fuel Tank painted in metallic grey with a Wiley G shadow Skull. The tanks and tins were airbrushed by local artist Dobbie (shit he’s getting a lot of mention in this script! Must be on account of the work he put into this shindig). Anyone who can do the auctioneers jargon is alright by me but Dobbie winged it and threw in a horse racing rant and somehow “Rhubarb” fitted in there, hilariously! The verbal wrap up was interrupted by Erin Cassidy being sat on a chair in front of the stage for a rendition of “Happy Birthday to You” as sung by “The FOG” lead singer Froggie. Big Kev promptly stripped off his shirt and ran in for a lap dance on Erin with Mouthguard filling in from behind. How she didn’t get a mouthful of Kevs’ hairy chest or a nipple for that matter is beyond me but she didn’t even gag, too busy laughing.
Thus additional winners were announced (apart from games and Show & Shine winners. Biggest Dick of the Weekend – Wookie from Canberra who, after throwing a Skippy Skidder the day before took off his shirt and streaked thru the crowds at the Roo Tail Toss. Best stripper and adult entertainment Kevin Everett (Judged by Erin Cassidy). After a Spit Roast Dinner under the stars that couldn’t be beat some scores had to be settled. The Tri-Chapter Challenge results. So, Darwin and Mt Isa recruited interstate players that were not financial to their respective chapters so were disqualified and 100 points deducted for serious infringement of Challenge protocol. Alice Chapter having picked up extra points for running the greatest rally Centralia had ever seen therefore romped home and took the trophy.
The night rocked on the the masterful rock from Alice Chapter The FOG of which lead singer Froggie and Guitarist Dobbie are wild Hoggers thru and thru. The tunes played out until everyone left in anticipation of a long ride home.
All auction items plus Dobbie’s much sought after “Wot Flies” floppy hat fetched $7,590 to go towards our Sponsored Pony “Harley” at the Riding for the Disabled Centre. To boot the Alice Springs Golf Club had their best takings ever exceeded by a motsa. A truely great Rally experience, thanks to all who made it, and made it so!
Words by Duktape.
Original Score – The FOG.
Production – Duktape.
Editor – Duktape.
Spell Checker – Big Kevs’ Reverse Dictionary.
Disclaimer: 2x Pigs, 1x Lamb and 1x Cow were slaughtered for your culinary delight. 12 Kangarooters were docked for your entertainment. No Hoggies were injured but several near misses reported during Roo Tail Toss.